I read the “The History of Marriage” on the weekend, and started thinking about what she said about how marriage started.
Essentially, the history behind marriage is that it was not created for love — it was created for political reasons, religion, family fortune, etc.
Kids who got married were just pawns in a game.
Marriage was meant to ally families with one another, against others.
Now, we have this notion that marriage is the result of love, when that wasn’t the case in the past.
It’s why women get confused and think that pre-nups are unromantic, or a sign that they’ll get divorced, but they should see it as protection for themselves.
I am not advocating to get a pre-nup or to not. I’m just simply stating that if money is already a problem, and you don’t see eye-to-eye with your beloved, and he wants a pre-nup but you don’t.. then you need to sit down and talk out this money issue.
Money is the #1 reason couples divorce. Period.
If you don’t talk out this budding issue of how differently you two view money before you even get married for real, it will eat you alive.
He may be a saver. You, a spender. Or vice versa.
He may think a house is important, you, you want to travel or live in a condo so you don’t need to maintain a backyard or to be able to stay in the city.
Money is not the real and only reason why people fight and get divorced. It is just the rawest discussion or catalyst to start fights that don’t even relate to money, if that makes sense.
Fights can quickly escalate to: “And THAT is why you don’t put your socks away!!!”
Money is just the match thrown onto bunch of dry wood doused in fire starter (your marriage).
Either you burn long and slow, until the end of your lives and last until the end of the BBQ, and everyone ends up happy, fed, fulfilled and content because they shared, they talked and they knew what the stakes (ohh! PUN!) were before they committed.
….Or you burn out fast within the first big flame of passion where you two are running around as naked newlyweds for the first 2 months, but after the big flame dies down, the lust is gone, the luster of being newly married has faded, the lack of commitment or the same values about life will quickly dissipate into a bunch of burned out charcoal with nothing left to show for it in the end, but a half cooked piece of chicken.
(Wow, why is everything I talk about strangely related back to food in awkward ways? I have BBQ on my mind.)
So a prenup? It’s just the beginning, if he or she asks for one.
If you feel uncomfortable signing it, then talk about it. But understand that people are skittish about marriage because they may have worked hard as a Saver all of their lives building a little nest egg.
And even if you think you will NEVER leave them, you can never say never.
Anything can happen.
If that Saver loses what she or he has built up for so many years, just because of a difference in personalities that was not immediately revealed until life and money issues came into play after the lust wore off… it becomes a nasty business, divorce.
Yes, I do agree that money should be spent and saved for the good of the family (being the two of you and future kids, if any), but sometimes a little reassuring paper can go a long way.
After all, love and romance are not what REALLY keeps a marriage going.
It’s what brings you two together and makes the partnership so wonderful and rosy… but cracks will appear in the foundation when real life issues hit you hard, like one of you gets cancer, or loses a job, or gambles away the house, loses a child or have to deal with a child that has special needs…
All of those situations have things to deal with money in some way or another, and that is why everyone says money is the #1 reason for divorce.