If there is nothing more I detest in the world, it is softening reality and lying to your kids.
For one thing, they probably already know.
Kids are pretty smart, perceptive little creatures.
They pick up on EVERYTHING you do.
And even if you don’t think they’re watching or listening to you… they are.
They listen, learn and absorb everything that goes on in their lives, because they love you and look up to you as a role model.. and let’s face it, they have nothing else to do!!
Case in point:
My nephew has now learned to say:
“Please don’t bother me now Aunty FB.
I’m working, and am very busy.”
Where the heck did he learn that?
The concept of “working” I mean? The kid is 4!
Certainly not from daycare. He picked it up from his parents, who have repeated that many a time to him.
And if you don’t tell them things, they worry.
Can you believe this? Kids WORRY.
They worry because they don’t know the truth and what is going on.
They desperately want to help but are being told that everything is fine through a forced smile, when they can see that it isn’t.
They may even be able to teach YOU something
I saw many a time on debt shows where the kids stepped in as a family with their parents, and worked out a debt repayment plan.
Some even sacrificed hockey or piano lessons to help cut costs.
And came up with ideas to have free family evenings to spend less money.
It was touching, and they were creative to boot!
They also didn’t feel resentful about not being able to go to camp or getting the latest iPod, because they understood the situation.
Shielding them from reality all the time doesn’t prepare them to be adults.
I can understand telling soft truths to your kids, such as not burying them down with the details of everything that is going on, but they DO need to know the truth.
And telling them lies, or glossing over the situation is admirable, but you are just shielding them from a reality that exists.
But don’t get me wrong: I totally get that.
I don’t want to tell my nephew certain things sometimes, because I feel like he’s too young to handle it.
But I do it anyway, in a softer way, so he understands the concept.
If parents don’t start showing their kids what reality is, then they’ll never grow up with a sense of what the real world is like.
Death. Bills. Worry. Pain. Suffering. Problems.
They’ll end up in college, drunk, partying their Ivy League education away, and land in a job that pays $15,000 a year, wondering where they went wrong in expecting they’d earn and have much more by the time they were “adults”.
Don’t shove it down their throats, but expose them to it and teach them how to deal with it.
Do the deed.
So if you’ve lost your job, and you need to start tightening that proverbial belt, then tell your kids the truth, and ask if the family could brainstorm in cutting back together as a team.
If someone close to you died, you don’t have to come out and harshly say: Now she’s gone, deal with it, but you cannot lie to them and tell them that grandma took a vacation forever.
Seriously!?
Tell them she died, but that she’s in a better place.
And it hurts to lose her, but life is like that, and we have to just be happy we enjoyed her for so long.
I can’t stand it when parents lie to kids who can SEE that something is wrong, and have doubt in their eyes.
Kids are stronger than you think, and if they learn how to cope with loss and pain early on, it helps make them better adults, able to deal with change and life in the future.
Just my 2 cents. Tell me yours!
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Shelley
on Mar 22nd, 2010
@ 11:23 AM:
Gone on a permanent vacation!!?! Surely no one would tell a kid that? Then again… I'm with you. Kids know when you're lying and it makes it hard to cope; something's up, but what? What you don't know is almost always scarier than what is known.
On a permanent vacation – that takes the cake.
Lily
on Mar 22nd, 2010
@ 1:58 PM:
Thank you for posting this! Growing up as first generation American, I actually had to help my parents a lot which exposed me to reality from a very very young age. In a way, I am more prepared for the "real world" than most of my friends were.
Last Born Child
on Mar 22nd, 2010
@ 2:19 PM:
I agree. Kids are a lot more intelligent and resilient than we give them credit for.
I'm all for telling children the truth – they don't need the finer points, but give them the big picture and you'll be surprised at the insight.
scoot
on Mar 22nd, 2010
@ 12:54 PM:
You have a terrific attitude concerning kids, FB. Because of my rough childhood, it hurts me terribly to see Mental Anguish inflicted on a little one. It’s so so painful. Children are VERY perceptive as to what’s going on around them and when their parents are acting DIFFERENTLY due to circumstances. I think these are some of the perception skills we lose as we grow older…. Nobody likes to be pushed aside as if they’re nothing. Think of how it hurts a child, when their parents are their ENTIRE WORLD.
Abigail
on Mar 22nd, 2010
@ 6:10 PM:
I agree. They may not know it on a conscious level, but kids are intuitive. Maybe it's because they're still learning so much of the language and so have to rely more on body language. I don't know. But they do.
My cousin's kid has a lot of emotional issues. He's a sweet kid, and we're hoping the recent ADHD diagnosis and medication will help. But we're also pretty sure he is picking up on the tension between his mom and dad. My cousin does almost all the work and her husband constantly slacks off. There's so much anger and resignation in that house, it can choke a full-grown adult. So
I don't know how he copes, except that he tells lies. And at least once or twice they've been about his dad. (He told kids at school that he drinks beers. When confronted by a teacher who knows his mom — also a teacher — he still insisted it wasn't true. And that it was his dad who "made" him drink.) I also know that kids of a person in a really bad marriage will actually ASK their parents to just get a divorce. When it gets to that level, it's pretty bad.
Investing Newbie
on Mar 22nd, 2010
@ 7:02 PM:
I'm with you: I really don't see the point in lying to kids. What about telling them the truth will take away their youth? I mean, I want them to go through the experience of Santa Claus with their classmates, so I think that is about the only lie I will tell them, but I plan on being upfront about everything with my future kiddies: death, sex, and rock&roll…lol.
Kin
on Mar 22nd, 2010
@ 7:14 PM:
haha, I think you nailed it. It is very obvious from my experience with my niece also. They are very aware of everything around them and impossible to lie to, even though we adults think we are superior to them.
Kids may yield, follow, or walk away… only because we wield the physical power, and it does not mean they don't know we are lying. I'll add that they are so aware, precisely, because they hadn't been restricted to patterns abd rules that adults are burdened with yet.
It is up to us to show them how to understand reality and not immediately restrict them to set patterns/rules. Unfortunately like it was said before, most adults are burdened with (very restrictive) patterns and rules themselves that they cease to understand reality themselves. Thus, "poor" kids these days…
Yes, patterns and rules are great convenience and tools. No, they are not reality itself.
My 2 cents
afamilyofgeeks
on Mar 22nd, 2010
@ 7:40 PM:
I can't stand lying parents. Kids are not dumb at all and even if they can't fully grasp the situation, they pick up on parental emotions very well. If you're worried, they're worried and if they need to be reassured and told at least the basics of what's going on.
simple in france
on Mar 22nd, 2010
@ 9:06 PM:
Yeah. . .I've seen both extremes. Parents being overly protecting and parents scaring the crap out of their poor kids and parents glossing over things and making their kids feel unreasonable for being worried about very real, and very scary stuff. Sometimes you get the same parents saying the same things.
I've often found that if a kid really cannot handle a topic, they will not press to learn more about it. If a kid is asking, he/she needs some kind of explanation–not a lie! Seriously, if kids think you are lying about something serious you will never be able to reassure them again.
I've worked with kids. They are not stupid. . . but sometimes their parents are.
stephanie
on Mar 23rd, 2010
@ 2:58 AM:
This is one of my biggest pet peeves also. I totally understand not wanting to worry your kids with money stuff, but my parents /never/ talked about money. When I moved out, I knew it was important to pay bills on time and not get into a lot of debt,I had no idea how much a utility bill or a cable bill should be. Real world things like that are how so many young people end up in crazy situations – they find out rent before they move into an apartment (since that's part of the lease negotiations and all), but I had no clue what to expect for other expenses. I also would have been much more sympathetic to my parents' denials when I asked for stuff and their money fights (they've been divorced since I was 4, so I guess that was the only thing left to fight about when they no longer lived together!) had they been open and honest with me about how much they made, how much things cost, and how much we could afford to spend on stuff. Instead as a kid I felt like I got screwed over, because my parents forced me to go to private school where nearly everyone else had the newest cool shoes and clothes and gadgets while I had to start working at 15 if I wanted /anything/ that wasn't on clearance or second-hand!
Long rant, but basically I agree 100%!
Lillie
on Mar 23rd, 2010
@ 3:44 PM:
You are so right, children understand more than what we give them credit for. Lying or sugarcoating the situation is definitely not the way to address any issue, especially death and finances. Children have a way of "parroting" our actions and words. That's why I have always made it a practice of explaining to my children, if it's something that you don’t want your child to repeat or do, don't do it yourself. The four-year old (great grandson) we have in the family now keeps us all on our P's and Q's and toes and admittedly thinks he has stock in Wal-Mart where toys should be included in every visit. Of course, he doesn't get to play that game with Nana. After much discussion, the other adults in the family are now learning the importance of teaching him financial responsibility which means that Wal-Mart has more to offer than just toys and catering to his fantasies that involved Spiderman, Batman, etc.
Rina
on Mar 24th, 2010
@ 6:00 AM:
I agree. I cringe when I hear parents giving the whole 'extended vacation' story, and when I see older kids going on and on about the Easter bunny or the frigging tooth fairy. Argh. Give life to your kids straight (well, to a point of course, no need for them to know ALL the gritty details by age 7). I do think some softening is in order, so long as the softening sticks to the truth rather than creating a lie.
Children crave structure and routine, regardless of how often they say they can't wait to grow up so they can do whatever they want. Being dishonest to your children (and you are right, they most definitely sense untruth and deception) only makes them more anxious, afraid, worried, etc because you are not giving them that structure and routine with fluffy stories and hurriedly crafted BS.
Papa Bear and I have always talked to our son as though he were much more mature than his 2 years. We did not do baby talk, we don't coddle (cuddling, now there's a different story, heehee) and we do not plan on lying to him or creating elaborate stories about where our cat 'went' when our cat passes on.
I liked this post.
Rick
on Mar 25th, 2010
@ 6:06 PM:
My wife once told me that her dad never lied to her when she was a kid. She really feels good about that and I think it's helped her in life. It's great advice and when I do have children I will certainly follow it.
FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com
on Mar 25th, 2010
@ 6:26 PM:
Ditto!
I had no idea what bills cost, average prices, what was okay what wasn’t.. negotiations…
Private schools versus public = a lot of difference in peer pressure
I didn’t go to a private school but I went to a very snobby public one in a good area… and I felt the same way in my oversized hand-me-down winter coats from my siblings.
FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com
on Mar 25th, 2010
@ 6:28 PM:
I heard it.
And I gave them one of my “WTF” faces when she said that…. because she had to retract it later after the kid didn’t understand why his grandma would leave him forever.