Was discussing this on Twitter the other day with @jaka_merriman and @_ChelleShock
jaka_merriman:
I worry about crossing other people’s lines more than my own. I have a bubble, but I’m willing to break it.
_ChelleShock:
it’s like, if I’m comfortable hugging, then I’m comfortable snuggling/being all up in yr business, but if I’m not comfortable with hugging, then stay 3 feet away at all times.
For getting hugs:
I absolutely love getting hugged (relieves stress instantly), but I wouldn’t even know how to hint for a hug from someone.
Even if a friend randomly hugged me, I’d be surprised but secretly pleased.
They say that there are people out there who CRAVE physical touch and affection so much that they enjoy being on the subway or using public transportation just to have a bit of human contact.
Makes you want to hug them, no?
As for giving hugs:
I thought about it some more and I’ve realized that it really just depends on the situation & person.
I am not a random hugger, for one.
I don’t hug strangers or people I haven’t known for at least a year, personally.
I have a friend who hugs everyone, but that’s because she comes from a family of huggers.
I come from a family of awkward non-huggers.
I also don’t hug co-workers unless they are around my age and girls.
I just feel weird.
My family is awkward with physical affection.
They love showering it on children aged 10 and under, but any older and it’s as though touching is off limits.
Once, my dad hugged me too tight when I was 9, and I squeaked out of breath.
He told me that he felt a bit sad because he wouldn’t be able to be so affectionate when I got older.
I accepted it then, but I am wondering WHY now.
I know and have plenty of friends who’s parents tell them all the time that they love them, they hug them, they kiss them, etc.
Mine are awkward even touching my arm.
And we OF COURSE never mention that we love each other.
It’s a given.
Why else would we even talk to each other if we didn’t love each other?
But it’s still nice to hear it once in a while.
When I first met BF…
I told BF I was not very open with love and affection
Particularly from my upbringing, and I just didn’t know what people could or could not take.
I don’t want to over step their physical limits if they are uncomfortable, so I err on the side of caution.
The best answer he gave me was: You can be as huggy or as loving as you want with me.
It took about a year before I became a hugging, snuggling, cuddling monster in private.
And it took a lot of affection from him, to get me to open up and be affectionate, knowing that he was open to it.
In public, we only hold hands.
Anything over the above as public displays of affection make me uncomfortable.
I am talking about seeing preteens make out and have dry sex on a park bench.
Or seeing couples tongue each other in the middle of a market.
There are times and places for that!
Preferably at home, but I will also accept airports, train stations or boat docks.
What about you?
What are your physical affection limits?
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E_Z
on Dec 14th, 2009
@ 12:11 PM:
In public, hand-holding, hugs, caresses and gentle kisses are acceptable in my opinion, anything else and you're looking for attention.
With friends, bring on the hugs…
Lawgirl
on Dec 14th, 2009
@ 1:42 PM:
Have you ever read The Five Love Languages? Mine is physical touch. I crave hugs and all that. But I agree that couples should keep it down to hand-holding, hugs, caresses and gentle kisses in public.
SS4BC
on Dec 14th, 2009
@ 2:00 PM:
I agree with E_Z.
What I have found to be SUPER strange is when bosses hug me. This has only happened twice to me. Both when they were so excited about what I had done they didn't know what else to do. Once when I defended my thesis and the second when I got elected chair of a conference.
For some reason having my boss touch me in such a friendly manner was a very, very strange thing.
Lila
on Dec 14th, 2009
@ 2:28 PM:
I used to hate PDA, but my boyfriend is extremely affectionate in public (nothing inappropriate or R-rated, just likes to give me lots of kisses and hugs) and somehow he's turned me into a PDA monster as well! Just the other day I passed a couple on the escalator who were embracing and my immediate thought was "ughhh…" until I realized that is probably exactly what my boyfriend and I look like to other people. When I told him that, he laughed and said he had just had the same experience a few weeks ago.
Definitely still against any kind of public make-out sessions or heavy petting. Save that for the bedroom.
Investing Newbie
on Dec 14th, 2009
@ 4:10 PM:
FB, we're related. Maybe distant cousins… My family is the same way. We just look at each other, and it says it all, No Touching! However, my BF comes from a family that is very hands on. It actually creeped me out the first time I saw this. My BF is the cuddle monster, the touchy feely and the PDA type and slowly got me on board. But I'm only touchy feely with him. With friends or family, its the same, hi and bye wave.
That Kind of GIrl
on Dec 14th, 2009
@ 4:38 PM:
Oh man, totally with you on not being a casual hugger. My family isn't very touchy feely at all — I hug my mom goodnight every night I see her, but only because I see her twice a year, max — and that affected my touch boundaries with acquaintances. I'm willing to accept hello and goodbye hugs from friends if I am hosting an event in my home and it would be rude not to hug. And any of my tall male friends are welcome to give me goodbye hugs after hanging out, because tall men are the best huggers. Other than that, though, unless one of us is actively crying, we're so not going to hug — I don't care how long we've known each other!
Also, glad you added airports and train stations to the no-boundaries PDA department. I used to think it was cheesy and a huge public TMI, but then The Ex and I went long-distance for a bit and I realized how emotional those transportation PDAs are!
Arianne
on Dec 14th, 2009
@ 5:48 PM:
I'm a big fan of hugs. I only give them to close friends and at times, my family.
Regarding public displays of affection, it doesn't really affect me much now than before. I was in their situation before (the making out part, not dry sex) when me and BF first started dating, and it was a really exciting time in my life. Sometimes you just see your significant other for a couple of hours, and you don't really want to talk but instead give affection towards each other.
But nowadays the raunchy stuff is done behind closed doors
tenille
on Dec 14th, 2009
@ 6:09 PM:
I hate people randomly touching me. I step away and that brings the awkwardness up to a whole neeeww level. With the boyfriend, sure. With life long friends, only if I'm the one initiating it. With new friends and strangers, don't touch me.
I'm odd like that.
JvW
on Dec 14th, 2009
@ 6:26 PM:
I love hugging, but only if I know you. Random stranger hugging is weird. I hug friends & family all the time. Coworkers, even, like when parting ways after a work dinner.
With my husband, hugging, hand holding, peck kisses in public are OK. Anything above that is too much. At home, we always snuggle on the couch together.
StyckyWycket
on Dec 14th, 2009
@ 2:05 PM:
I’m not a hugger, I do not like to be touched by semi-strangers, nor do I like people in my “bubble”. PDA in public by my fiance also makes me feel very uncomfortable (once, he tried to make me kiss him in front of a bunch of people at a wedding that I didn’t know, and I left him on the dance floor by himself).
My family is not a touchy family. To the point where my dad once put his hand on my back, and I literally shied away from him to remove his hand. Also, my mother will say, “I love you to me” from time to time, and I’ll pull something akin to Patrick Swayze in “Ghost” (mumble a “ditto” or a “yeah” or even great).
I’m just not an affectionate person. The only person I am affectionate with is my fiance, but as illustrated above, there is a line in the sand.
StyckyWycket´s last blog ..The “In” Crowd
Stacia
on Dec 14th, 2009
@ 7:18 PM:
god i swear you just described me and my family. now that i have a daughter (18 mos) and hubby of my own, every single moment i get, i hug and kiss them and tell them i love them. i never want it to get uncomfortable. ok so not EVERY single moment (not the public moments, ie make out sessions, etc.) i do hug and kiss my daughter in public… oh jeez you get what i mean.
paranoidasteroid
on Dec 14th, 2009
@ 8:18 PM:
In general, I'm not comfortable being touched. As one commenter said, even sometimes hugging my parents feels uncomfortable and awkward. The exception, of course, is Chad. And while I'm not opposed to some kissing & hugging in public, I leave the dry-humping to the teenagers.
Red
on Dec 14th, 2009
@ 8:56 PM:
Oh! I should add that I'm not physical at all with people I hardly know. If I'm not close to you, it's awkward to give you a hug. Even distant relatives… It feels wrong to be physically close (hugging) to people I'm not emotionally close to.
But my parents and I are super touchy. Well, not overly so… But we always hug and kiss. Mamaw too. Besides that, I don't really have physical contact with people.
Julie
on Dec 14th, 2009
@ 4:00 PM:
I’m suuuper affecttionate with my friends. Like super. We kiss, we hug, they swing me around.
My mum and dad are super affecttionate too and my extended family even more.
With strangers I keep my distance but once they’ve earned my trust… make way for the hugs.
I like to hug people n_n.
diana
on Dec 14th, 2009
@ 9:14 PM:
I'm not a big fan of hugs and I'm not a good body language reader either. When it comes to my family it's okay and some of my closest friends too but I would never initiate. There was one time when I went in for a hug and the guy stopped me and extending his hand instead. It wasn't a boy I liked or interested in, just a guy friend I knew that I haven't seen in a while. I felt very embarassed!
Abigail
on Dec 14th, 2009
@ 9:15 PM:
Well, it comes down to two things:
1. My family is not very physically affectionate
2. I'm not really comfortable being touched randomly thanks to 3 months in the hospital with various jabs, pokes, sticks and being physically moved around as needed by nurses and physical therapists.
So I'm a little uptight about it. I don't initiate a lot of hugs. But Tim, as ever, is getting me to loosen the hell up. His family is very physically demonstrative. That said, he told his parents early on why I was kind of reserved, so they respected my physical space. It let me open up on my own time. But now I hug a lot more than I used to. And Tim and I hug usually at least once a day.
In public, we don't always hold hands, but we do say I love you (or, sometimes, mouth it – yeah we're that gushy). It's all very new to me, this whole idea that you can show love rather than just acknowledge it exists.
Financial Cat
on Dec 14th, 2009
@ 9:19 PM:
Wow. Sounds like I am just like you. My family hugs and touches and gives all sort of affection to children who have not hit puberty. The moment puberty is even thinking about maybe considering showing up….no more. We do not say I love you. We do not hug (unless it's a funeral and we feel like we have to). So I had the same issue with my now husband when we first met. I am still uncomfortable hugging or kissing in public. I don't like it. In private I love the affection though.
I hope that when I eventually have kids that I can break this habit. I remember feeling slightly abandoned by my parents when the hugging and all that stopped.
I never hug friends or co-workers…ever.
WellHeeled
on Dec 14th, 2009
@ 9:26 PM:
I am a very affectionate person with people I know / like. I like to hug my girlfriends a lot. I don't like being touched by strangers or people I'm uncomfortable with (does anyone?).
However, in tango you get VERY CLOSE to people you don't really know, which is a little weird that I love the tango so much because again, not a fan of touching random people! In tango I've danced chest to chest, cheek to cheek, legs wrapped around the other person's leg.
There are guys that I like dancing with more than others, but I've found that the key is to wear clothing that covers me up (i.e. leggings under skirts or pants) and LOTS OF GUM. (you are literally breathing on each other).
FYI – If you are going to your first tango class and you're wearing a skirt, I strongly suggest leggings! In one of my classes a warmup was a "leg loosening" exercise where the male partner would hold the female's thigh in the air and shake it. I'd be a little weirded out if my legs were bare.
Alex
on Dec 14th, 2009
@ 9:54 PM:
If I don't know you very well, you'd better stay out of my bubble. After I get to know you I get more and more comfortable and you can get closer to me.
I'm super affectionate with my fiance. At home, I lay all over him and am super lovey. In public we'll just hold hands or I'll put a hand on his arm or lower back, and I think a quick kiss is okay. Anything more than that I feel is too much.
eemusings
on Dec 14th, 2009
@ 10:27 PM:
I'm with _ChelleShock: I have major issues with personal space, but with those I'm close to, I can be "all up in yr business" (LOL!) Some of my close girlfriends and I are huggers and squealers, I must admit. OTOH, my family is NOT touchy feely or emotionally expressive at all.
ReticentPurple
on Dec 14th, 2009
@ 11:44 PM:
My family is reasonably affectionate, I guess, but not super-touchy feely. I usually only give/get hugs when I come back on a visit from school, or right before I leave. And I only hug with certain friends, depending on both how well I know them and the situation.
But I am definitely not big on PDA. Holding hands and some cuddling are okay, as well as good-bye kisses and the like, but I'd rather not have to see someone making out in public, nor would I feel comfortable doing that in a public place.. and I don't really understand how some people are! I'm much to private a person for that.
Red
on Dec 14th, 2009
@ 8:53 PM:
That is very interesting! I had a boyfriend who was so anti-intimacy that we broke up over it. I don't consider myself super touchy, but I at least want to hold hands! He wouldn't even do that!
Now that I'm with someone who is more on my level, I feel comfortable holding hands, kissing (but only pop kisses!) and hugging in public. It takes me a little while to warm up to people, but once I do, I'm nothing but a cuddler!
Rae // theNotice
on Dec 15th, 2009
@ 1:58 AM:
I am a major hugger :/ My family hugs to a normal extent, maybe even a little less, but I THRIVE off hugs. I love them to death! However, I feel very uncomfortable being hugged when I'm not close friends with the hugger — so much so that I apparently give off "don't hug me" vibes. Which, I mean, is great because it keeps strangers from touching me… but not so great in that it keeps 99.9% of the population from even considering hugging me.
PDAs, on the other hand? Nuh-uh. Anything more than hugging, hand-holding, or two-second kisses should be kept behind closed doors. Call me a prude, but I'd like to keep public areas G-rated!
KatG
on Dec 15th, 2009
@ 2:08 AM:
I don't like jubilant hugs, the really excited crash into you type, unless they are by someone I haven't seen in a really long time. Or if someone I know just won the lottery and maybe they will give me some of their winnings. Otherwise, that kind of emotional outpouring freaks me out.
However, a quick embrace is always welcome though. But come at me slow so I can ready myself.
Nothing is worse, though, than to hug someone and have them kind of shy away. That just feel terrible.
The word hug has now lost all meaning to me as I've read it and typed it too many times!
SS4BC
on Dec 15th, 2009
@ 3:59 AM:
P.S. – I like the new banner =)
L.A. Daze
on Dec 15th, 2009
@ 4:56 AM:
I am not an affectionate person at all. I only hug if I know the person well. If a person I don't know tries to hug me, I feel really awkward and kind of give them that pat on the back, ahaha. I just like having my personal space.
My parents NEVER hugged me. My dad will give me a pat on the head and a kiss, and my mom will do the three kisses on the cheek thing.
When i'm in a relationship, I like to hug, cuddle, hold hands, but it has to be on my terms. If I get too much unwanted affection, I go crazy and will feel trapped. I know, it's really weird. However, I don't mind being surprised by unexpected hugs and kisses by a BF/guy i'm dating. It's when they start complaining that I am not holding their hand 24/7 when they are driving, walking, sleeping, that drives me nuts. Also at night, I don't mind cuddling for a bit, but then I like to move to my nice little cold area of the bed and fall asleep in peace. Otherwise i'll be tossing and turning. I am one of *those* backturners. Lol.
Lisa
on Dec 15th, 2009
@ 1:15 PM:
It depends how well i know the person … i'll hug the personal trainers just to embarass them. lol. but they know i'd do it. my parents hug me all the time … mom's a little over affectionate. and dad gives me a kiss on a cheek, but mostly to make me go – "eeew, DAD!" lol.
me in millions
on Dec 15th, 2009
@ 3:34 PM:
The people who I feel comfortable being touchy with:
My sister
My mom
My dad
My boyfriend (when I have one)
That's it! I remember when I was in college there was a particularly touchy person who lived on my floor. I recall distinctly that she was a having a convo with someone (not me, but I was there) and she was standing so close to the other person that she decided to put her hands in the other person's hoodie pocket. This was probably 8 years ago now, but I still recall how uncomfortable it made me feel and I wasn't the person wearing the hoodie!
Vee
on Dec 15th, 2009
@ 4:08 PM:
I do NOT like to hug people that are not my fiance. But him, I want a thousand hugs, all the time. Oh, and from my dogs, too. When long-time friends hug me, I'm ok with it, but it's totally the awkward "ass-out" hug. Outside of that, I never hug unless hugged first. As far as PDA – I think it's gross. Quick hugs and quick pecks are ok, but I am not into seeing (or performing) anything further!
E_Z
on Dec 15th, 2009
@ 4:23 PM:
I'm not Mr. PDA or lovey-dovey, but I think I find a balance between personal space and bonding with others – that is what hugs are (or cheek kisses – I admit I'm not a fan of that at all) – we are social creatures after all. Personally, I do find some of these posts a little scary and even alarming. To each their own of course (and some may even consider me not "warm" enough) but I do think this fear of touching someone/anyone, generally speaking, is endemic of our society being so cold, apathetic and isolated from each other. Again, like anything else, it comes down to moderation.
Des
on Dec 15th, 2009
@ 9:04 PM:
My family wasn’t the biggest on hugs or either, until my sisters and I went off to university. I guess that’s when we started to be more affectionate with one another when we realized how much we missed each other.
BF and I have a similar level of PDA we are comfortable with. Mostly hand holding and maybe a gentle kiss. Goodbyes are often a little more so, since BF travels a lot for work.
It was a little weird going back to my old high school to say hello to my old teachers, and my (Italian) physics teacher did the double cheek to cheek kiss. I had no idea which way to turn my cheek so I just held my head still. Now I forget if its left or right, first…
Des´s last blog ..Poor Sucker
suzie
on Dec 16th, 2009
@ 11:29 PM:
my family is also very non-touchy. i have not told them i loved them or given them any hugs. but i guess as u say, it's known that we love them and they love us. i think i've only seen my mum and dad hold hands once in 22yrs. look, they may have done it more, but i've only seen it once when we were out. i've got some friends that are very huggy and i hug them during special occasions-like my bday as thanks.i am rarely an initiator or hugs tho!