Especially once you’re out of college.
This has been a topic tweeted about lately if you have been following my tweets @brokeinthecity.
I find it extremely hard to make new friends, and everyone has told me to try making friends at work, or joining organizations.
It’s not that I don’t have good girlfriends. I do.
It’s just that they live in different cities, or time zones and it’s just not the same, not being able to hug someone or see them any time you wanted for a movie marathon session with a bowl full of chips & Tolberone chocolate bars
(That last one was for @krystalatwork who won’t stop being an enabler for chocolate and forces me to retaliate by talking about chips).
As for the three venues for making friends, it’s school, work or community.
School, nope.
Work is out for me, because you can end up in a career filled with people you cannot really befriend for various reasons.
Either they’re older than you and at a different point in their lives, or they’re all guys and you wanted girlfriends, or they’re clients and you have to tread carefully.
Worst is you work in a lighthouse and your only friend is the lighthouse.
Joining organizations in the community is also out for me, because I don’t like paying fees for anything I don’t really like or want to pay money for.
My community is full of seniors or very young families. While they’re great to talk to, or hang out with for a coffee once in a while, they just aren’t girlfriends.
And to be honest, some of the older seniors here (men especially) are not kindly, sweet old men like in The Holiday. They’re creepy.
They think they are being very cool and that it’s totally normal to hit on girls in the elevator who are at least 30 years younger than them.
I tried going to yoga sessions. But like I thought, the people who show up at yoga sessions for example, are not always people you can imagine being friends with for various other reasons.
One, that they don’t really want to be your friends because they find speaking in English very hard. True story. And my French only JUST got better.*sad face*
Two, they are middle-aged mommies who don’t want to chat with a younger girl because she hasn’t pushed out a screaming baby before and cannot relate. This one, you can spot a mile off.
*sad face x 2*
Three, they’re just…. creepy.
Four, if they pass your super quick friendship test and you try to be friends with them, they think you’re hitting on them (guys) or you’re a creepy lesbian (girls).
Sometimes when I am out shopping or doing things, I see girls that look like they could be fun, intelligent, like-minded people to hang with.
But it’s like dating. No. WORSE. How do you ask someone on the street to be your friend?
Can you imagine going up to a group of girls, or a girl on a street and saying:
Excuse me, you look like someone I could be friends with, go shopping with, have coffee with once in a while and hang with. Want to be my friend?
Seriously. Creepy. Even I would be creeped out, and I’m open to making friends.
And websites that help you find friends? Makes you feel like a total social outcast or a loser.
Of which you are NEITHER.
So what’s the solution?
Going back to school for a higher education usually yields some good results, but other than that — hanging out with the friends you have now, and lemming off their friendships can sometimes yield unexpected results.
I have also randomly met girls at bus stops, but to be honest, those friendships didn’t last because we had nothing in common in the end, except being two girls in a strange city who eventually branched off into having different friends and lives.
It’s almost like we need a quiz or test for friendship chemistry and compatibility before we can decide someone is cool enough to trust, hang out with or introduce into your group.
Then we can wear our Friendship Compatibility Badge around town, and with a little light on like taxis to show that we’re open to making new friends who are compatible with us.
My last resort?
You can just threaten badger ask people to be nice to you.
And on that note, look out for my review of Phil’s book coming up on Wednesday, September 23rd.
Other Bloggers who wrote responses
- Arual – Butterfly Collector
- Krystal – Give Me Back my Five Bucks (if you decide to follow her on Twitter, she’s a horrible enabler… but so much fun
) - Ginger – Ginger Won’t Snap
- Rina – Gotta Little Space
- Frugal Dreamer
- Online Friends are Real Friends
- Collecting friends like Pokemon
- Fake it until you can make it
- FB Musings – Happy Saturday!
- All about Affection
Phil Villarreal
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 7:31 AM:
That damn hacker, making life hell for me.
Phil Villarreal´s last blog ..Quad City Times Writes About The Book
Julie
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 9:12 AM:
My ex-BFF recently stopped talking to me because she thought that I wanted to steal her boyfriend away (which is totally not true because a) Eugh b) he’s my “adoptive” brother (adopted by me) and eugh and c) I would never do something like that to her).
Now I’m on the lookout for a new BFF and I just can’t find anyone that I like enough and most of the people I go to class with are boys and I want another girlfriend, not more boys. I have enough boy friends (not BFs) in my life and I want someone who I can talk girl things with (among other stuff).
Making friends IRL is a bitch!
Julie´s last blog ..Outfit 10-09-2009
morrison
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 9:21 AM:
Geeze, I thought I was the only one who thought like this. MY BFF’s are my family: daughters, fantastic hubby and my sister (who BTW isn’t talking to me because I performed a financial intervention on her-she was 1 year behind on paying her NYC property taxes-had the whole family intervene! She probably hates my guts now BUT, in the long run, will thank me profusely one day for saving her life. And her home.)
morrison´s last blog ..The Great Recovery in Three Steps.
M
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 9:54 AM:
Thanks for this post. At least I’m not living in a new country! I don’t think you should let age be a bar to friendship. I’m 39 (never had a baby either!) and have friends who are approaching 60 and also friends who are in their 20s; those two friends are friends with each other. There is great comfort in having a friend who is older than you: she has probably been through what you’re experiencing now and will sympathize and give you good advice! I also don’t recommend letting your circles of friends become too entangled (making friends with friends). I did this and when one woman and I had a falling out, I lost a bunch of friends, albeit bullies. Hence my need for new friends. Strong fences make good neighbors (and friends). FWIW, I’ve never had a “bus stop” type friendship get off the ground–either the other person was a little or our friendship just didn’t fly and I’ve seen work friendships that became nasty–none involving mine b/c I don’t make work friends. I guess in the end, I’ve decided to accept that friendships are transient, especially after college, that it’s better to accept some friendships and let them end when they end, and be open to people coming back in your life when work calms down, when the kids are bigger etc. In the meantime, build what you can with those community groups (even if they are not the perfect friends). Build the strongest family ties you can because they are the people who put up with you for decades.
Lisa
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 9:56 AM:
I hear ya, sister. After moving to a new city with my hubby 10 years ago, I still don’t have any real friends. Work was too cutthroat. Church was too cliquey. (Is that a word?) My neighborhood is also full of seniors. Finding a soulmate was a lot easier than a good gal pal to hang with. I’d love to know how.
That Kind of Girl
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 10:16 AM:
Wanna be best friends?
I moved cross-country about a month ago, to a city where the only person I knew was my sister (glad she’s here, at least!) and, man, making friends is even harder than I thought it might be. I’ve staved off loneliness by interacting a ton with people in bars (a nice side-effect of my blog project), and trying to go the friend-of-a-friend route with my sister’s group, but we just don’t really click.
The least weird online meeting site I’ve found so far is meetup.com: you can join groups for events based on your interests, so it seems a bit less desperate, and you know you’ll have something in common with anyone you meet. Like if you’re hanging out with the “Social Nerd” group to check out a museum, hey, even if you don’t leave with a new bff, at least you get to see a sweet museum!
That Kind of Girl´s last blog ..The Kind of Girl Who … demands to speak to your supervisor
Ginger
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 10:25 AM:
Ooohhhh FB, I know where you are coming from, 100%.
I’m out of school.
It’s a bad idea to make friends in my industry.
The classes for things ARE expensive and people usually just go to learn whatever it is they’re taking, and are focused on THAT and not making new friends.
But you want to know where I found a real gem of a friend?
Craigslist.
Yes, you read that right.
I think I’ll do a post in response to yours and explain how it happened, but long story short it was almost like online dating, a numbers game. But eventually someone showed up and we’re becoming so close it’s ridiculous.
So don’t despair, my dear! Just keep trying to find people and testing the waters, and of course, you can always hang out with me in TO! We could go to the Bata Shoe museum! *drools*
Ginger´s last blog ..Date Horror Story Winner!
CentsInTheCity
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 10:33 AM:
When I first moved to NYC I didn’t have many friends in the area. I truly had to go out and make an effort to meet new people, but in the end it was worth it! I’m sure NYC might offer more opportunities to meet people, but that doesn’t mean the same techniques couldn’t apply to anywhere, especially if you are in a city. Go to an event or activity where your interests lie and friends will follow.
I like to play social sports, i.e. nothing that requires much coordination. I made a lot of great friends through this. One of my teams has now been playing together for over 2 years. I have made some of my best friends this way, and it all happened naturally. If sports aren’t your interest you could try cooking, knitting, book clubs, basically I’m sure you can find a group through any hobby. Also you could start attending alumni activates in your city, or if you are religious a lot of religious organizations have groups that meet for varying reasons. Volunteering is another great way to support a cause you believe in and meet new people.
Meetup.com is a great resource to connecting with people with similar interests. Craigslist also has listings where you can find group activities. Also check out listings for events going on in your city/town. When you are growing up and in school, you’re forced to spend most of your time with the same people and friends often spring out of that. Once you’re out of school it take a lot more work, but that doesn’t mean that the work won’t pay off.
CentsInTheCity´s last blog ..Free Spring Ringtone
Frugal Dreamer
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 10:40 AM:
Yes! I am all too familiar with this.
I have always been very social and never had a problem making friends, but my problem is, I usually get along better with men.
Which isn’t the best idea when in a relationship with a man. Who wants to see their GF off on dinner or coffee dates with her male friends? Sigh.
Frugal Dreamer´s last blog ..Paper Route Changes
Laura
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 10:54 AM:
I disagree with you about using websites to find friends. I joined a group called GirlTalk Events that I found through meetup.com. I went to a few events (painting, hula hooping and book clubbing), met some great women (it’s a girls only club!) and then was offered a position as a host. The nice thing about this group is you only pay fro the events you want to go to. There are different price points as well as various events (from kayak lessons to watching musical dinner theatre). I think the thing about meeting people now is you have to put yourself out there. My first event I had an inner battle all day with myself about if the girls would like me or not. And I put myself out there and it worked out fabulously!
Laura´s last blog ..Le Chien Chaud
neo's number
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 11:23 AM:
Yep, it can be hard. I have had similar problems since moving to London from NZ. Also, I find English girls a lot harder to make friends with than English guys!
I just think that as you get older friendships take longer to develop than they did when you were younger, so you just have to be prepared to wait.
BTW – googlereader wont accept your URL anymore!
Indian
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 11:23 AM:
I completely agree with you. Making friends once u r out of college is as tough as blind dating. I graduated some 5 years back and there were no girls working in my team. Then when my team changed sometime back, it had 2 girls. I tried to be friend with them only to be back stabbed by one of them. And then after sometime, once her team got changed, she confessed that she was afraid of the competition i was giving her (crap).
And let me just not tell about the end-result of trying to be friends with guys in my teams.
I this time, finally, decided that let’s not try to be friends with anybody at my workplace ever.
But then I have to admit, I found one of my coolest and sensible male friend in my office only.
erin
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 11:31 AM:
umm, you said it alright.
erin´s last blog ..all curled up
psychsarah
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 12:12 PM:
It’s sooooo true! I have had this exact same conversation with so many friends since finishing grad school and residency. It’s taken my husband and I over 3 years in the city we currently live in to find some friends we enjoy spending time with, and even then, I met the girlfriends I really feel close with on residency, so we had a head start! There is no standard for how to “try out” new friendships-we have certain expectations for dates, but not friends. I really think you click with close friends much like you click with a romantic partner (in a chemistry sense, not a physical attraction sense). It’s not simply a matter of common interests, unfortunately. That said, the people I’ve met outside of school/residency have been through common interests (e.g., running clinic, my husband’s jeep club). These have been pretty inexpensive interests, but I know what you mean about spending money. However, I haven’t found a better way to do it yet. Here’s wishing you some friendship luck very soon!!
Jen
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 1:17 PM:
One of my (English-speaking) friends in Montreal met a lot of new folks volunteering at the Fringe festival- I guess this would be a very poor suggestion if you’re not into theatre, but it was free and there were pretty good parties every night. Definitely more of a 20s 30s crowd than creepy old elevator men, although you might have to fight off a few dramatic types
Rina
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 1:24 PM:
Thanks for this post. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who has problems finding friends. The husband and I have a group of friends who are either younger than us or older – and we’re the only ones who have a baby.
I’ve always found it difficult to make friends. I’m pretty shy in real life and I’ve always had guys for friends, so I think that occasionally intimidates girls because I’m interested in tomboy-ish things – cars, rock music, etc.
Then there’s the trust issues, heh. I’ve been betrayed by pretty much every female friend I’ve had, so I have a difficult time with trust.
Anyway, I hope you find some amazing way to make friends because I’m super interested. LOL Great post, thank you.
Rina´s last blog ..Roasted Garlic Pizza
Rachelle
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 1:27 PM:
FB,
Preach it sista! I went to college in MA so most of my friends are everywhere in the world right now. Making friends in NY is tough because its such a large city… However, I’m with you in the search for new friends. Let’s do this together!!! My first step was to reach out to some old friends (people that I’ve talked to several times but not on the BFF level) and try to meet up with them more often.
Secondly, we aren’t the only ones concerned about looking for that buddy. Cents in the City is right on with the MeetUp. But can I also mention community service? You should join NYCares, which has thousands of projects around the city (and the 4 other boroughs). I’ve met some really great people through that program not to mention making an impact on someone’s life. The volunteers are from all walks of life. I even met someone that happened to work at my company and we met up for drinks later!!
Keep us posted with FriendSearch09!
Rachelle´s last blog ..Stock Watch
Meg Hi
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 4:16 PM:
A friend of mine, a recent divorcee, was having trouble finding single women with similar interests so she posted an ad on kijiji. I was doubtful that it would work and thought that she would just have a bunch of creepers replying.
I am happy to say I was wrong and she now has a group of about 5 single women that hang out together constantly, I think this is a problem for women in every city and I think that reaching out over the internet is a good way to go.
Loved the post~
The Asian Pear
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 4:19 PM:
I know EXACTLY what you mean.
I’ve never been one to have very many friends. Being round usually means alot of teasing growing up. And I make TONS of acquaintances but little friends. So I basically just have a VERY small circle.
The Asian Pear´s last blog ..Christmas Panning
Jennifer
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 4:23 PM:
My stumbling across this blog is fate. For the past few months I have seriously been dealing with this problem. All my close friends scattered around the country after college graduation three years ago. Finding new friends has been dismal. And you’re right, I truly believe finding a friend is harder than the dating scene. It’s comforting to know that others are going through the exact same thing…I have been feeling like such a nerd lately because of this…sigh.
I’m thinking about taking a writing class or perhaps a dance class…but who knows if I’ll meet anyone.
Have you tried Facebook? I met one friend that way. Lol.
If you come across any spectacular ideas, let me know! I’ll do the same!
PS. I really like your blog. I am fabulously broke as well.
http://www.jenniferfabulous.blogspot.com
Jennifer´s last blog ..100th post giveaway!
FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 6:04 PM:
Thanks for the great tips, but I live in Canada
If I lived in NYC it might be easier.. But great ideas!
FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 6:04 PM:
Hmm.. not a bad idea. But I am really not into theatre. Really, really not into it.
But volunteering for specific EVENTS might do it. Not communities per se..!
FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 6:06 PM:
You actually have to subscribe to my real RSS Feed. Sorry about that. When I did the switch to Wordpress, I had to pick one.
The feed you had was from Blogspot.
Try this one!
http://feeds.feedburner.com/FabulouslyBrokeInTheCity
FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 6:07 PM:
Maybe I should try it then
I just feel like it’d be a bit weird…
FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 6:09 PM:
I guess Meetup.com is much better than Craig’s list!!!!
FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 6:09 PM:
I went to the Bata Shoe museum the last time I went!
DRAGGED BF along.. but I knew I should have taken a girl instead. He was interested but then totally bored.
FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 6:10 PM:
Haha!
BFF forever. Oh it’s so easy on a blog..
FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 6:10 PM:
Work IS cut throat.
And I gotta say, I didn’t expect Cliquey to be a word, but my Spellcheck says otherwise.
FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 6:11 PM:
Thanks for the great comment!
I agree with the family bit. I am really trying this time to band my family together into something of a family… at least, with my parents if no one else.
FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 6:11 PM:
Girl things are very difficult to talk about with girls I don’t know.
With that being said, I think it’s why I blog.
FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 6:12 PM:
Whatever Phil.
me in millions
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 6:53 PM:
Move to DC and we can be friends
I love reading your blog and I think you would be a fabulous friend in real life.
me in millions´s last blog ..Financial Atonement
Rae
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 7:02 PM:
I definitely know what you’re saying — I’m dreading the day when I’m out in the workforce and no longer in school. Especially as I don’t plan on staying here forever… I love my hometown, sure, but to be quite frank, it’s ugly. And the weather is crap. And I don’t really have anything holding me here aside from my family.
I’m not a “people person,” but that doesn’t mean that I can just forgo the mandatory “five to seven daily interactions” that are supposed to make you happy. (And don’t go calling that bullshit. I thought it was until I REALLY thought about it, and realized it was 100% right. Even if your interactions don’t go over having a laugh with a cashier, as humans we DO need other people.)
So I’m just going to… stop dreading it for now, and wait to see what happens. (Hey, do you think a really intelligent cat could count as one of my interactions? ^^) I think Craigslisting it might actually be kinda interesting — and girl, you better tell us about it if you do!
Rae´s last blog ..So 2000-and-late
elle
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 8:01 PM:
Migod this post is COMPLETELY up my alley. I have ZERO girlfriends in my area! Sad.
I will admit that I’ve visited craigslist a few times for some platonic girl friendships but nothing has caught my eye. I have no close girlfriends in the area but I’d looove to go out and shop with some.. But it’s just too difficult. Especially with my 3PM to 12AM work schedule
Sigh.
elle´s last blog ..Konad Manicure 9.21.09
missmarisol
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 10:14 PM:
I am going through that right now. I moved to a new city 6 months ago and while I have some friends close by, they are a lot older than me and at a different stage in their lives than I am. Last week I went to a Speed Friending event (which i was weary of) and it wasn’t bad. I wrote about my experience here… http://www.galsguide.com/gals-guide/2009/9/18/speed-friending.html
I don’t know if anything will come off of it but we will see. But I did feel a bit loserish when I heard about this event and decided to go. Even if it went horribly bad, i would have something to write about. hahaha
missmarisol´s last blog ..Stepping Out Of My Comfort Zone
ridonk
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 11:12 PM:
sounds very ” i love you, man”. it’s a movie where paul rudd tries to find himself a best man, and goes on “man dates” because he has no close male friends. i gotta say that language barrier must add an extra layer of difficulty in making new friends. i find it pretty hard to make new friends and that’s why it sucks to lose touch with existing friends. why not go to those free tweet events?? i’m not on twitter, but i see ads for free events all the time.
munchkin
on Sep 21st, 2009
@ 11:26 PM:
um, so this post is like, the summation of my life. LOL
munchkin´s last blog ..New Sidebars
koala bear
on Sep 22nd, 2009
@ 1:24 AM:
This is the first time that a post has resonated so much that I felt I had to leave a comment. I have truly enjoyed reading your blog this past year or so and I think this latest post truly illustrates why. Your blog comes across as honest, sincere, and vulnerable all at the same time.
I still live in my hometown of Edmonton, and yet, I have moments of overwhelming self-pity and loneliness when I think of my “lack” of friends. I have a handful of truly amazing friends, but they all moved to different cities for work and school. We still chat on the phone when we have time, but it’s not the same as being able to go for coffee, call each other up to hang out and vent, or to have a physical shoulder to cry on.
In the past decade that I have been out of school, I have made some friends while travelling and working. The friends met abroad are just temporary companions for a specific time and place. Work friends, I have recently discovered, are potential landmines. Workplace complaints and/or grievances can rarely be left at work when you’re also friends with your colleagues.
I have made one incredibly supportive friend in the past year, but the age difference does make friendship maintenance more difficult. She has children and a husband, all of whom demand much of what little time she has outside of work. When I’m not being petty and piqued at how often engagements get cancelled, I feel guilty at taking away so much of her time from her family. She even encourages me to make friends my own age, but again, it’s easier said than done.
Fortunately (or unfortunately?) for me, Christmas is the one time of year that I get to see everyone again as they come back to roost at home base for the holidays. During the annual reunions, I am given the same advice: join a book club; take up a sport; volunteer; take a class. I just smile, shake my head, and bask in the happiness of being accepted and loved. I think the best part is knowing that they love me in spite of the fact that they know I will completely disregard all the suggestions.
I think what scares me when it comes to making friends at this stage of life is the emotional vulnerability and time commitment that is necessary. I’m not a risk-taker and I’m awfully impatient–a bad combination when it comes to finding new friends.
Again, thank you for bringing up the topic. Some of the posted suggestions seem like a possible avenue to look into. If you’ve made it this far, then kudos to you! I know I talk too much.
I hope you don’t let negative comments get you down, because I do enjoy this blog a lot. If you’re ever in Edmonton, maybe we could try yoga together. 
Indian
on Sep 22nd, 2009
@ 1:27 AM:
Well, i am reading ur blogs, this and what FB wants for so long now, this is the only time i commented.
Kepp writing.
Indian´s last blog ..not PF related
jen
on Sep 22nd, 2009
@ 6:36 AM:
that line about just going up and asking ‘cool looking ppl’ to be your friend cracked me up – reminded me of that movie “I Love You Man” and how he needs to make fast friends before his wedding so the bridesmaids will have someone to walk with down the aisle
Lisa Joy
on Sep 22nd, 2009
@ 7:22 AM:
Oh, I so know what you mean. I mean, I do have a couple of good friends – but I don’t really see them as often as I would like. I had made friends with a girl in my building whom I use to hang out with alot & go for coffee with weekly, but then she suddenly decided I wasn’t good enough to be her friend anymore (or something). So now I’m this total loser who’s either working or sitting on her ass at home because of it.
Even if we moved back East, ir’s similar – any girlfriends I would have are the gfs of Pete’s buddies, or are married to Pete’s brothers. Not that that’s BAD, but I want to have girlfriends OUTSIDE of Peter.
Lisa Joy´s last blog ..With a grain of salt, y’all – a grain of salt.
Emma
on Sep 22nd, 2009
@ 8:32 AM:
I’ve been having the same problem lately. I stayed in Toronto after finishing school, but having made all my friends in residence, most were younger/still completing school, and trying to get together with them was difficult.
I’ve been trying to reconnect with people, but I’m as much at fault since I don’t always feel like picking up a phone and going out. And when I do, people don’t return calls / don’t get a message / can’t schedule time in.
It’s definitely difficult, and sometimes I wish I was back in res, where I’d host events and know everyone. Much different from apartment style living. I’ve chatted with some neighbours, brought them cookies, etc … but it just isn’t the same.
FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com
on Sep 22nd, 2009
@ 8:57 AM:
We should do like a Toronto Girls Night Out or something.
FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com
on Sep 22nd, 2009
@ 8:57 AM:
@jen HAHAHAH!! I never even thought about that!
FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com
on Sep 22nd, 2009
@ 8:58 AM:
@koalabear
Thank you for the kind words.
I was thinking of moving to Edmonton at one time. It would have been neat to meet up with you!
FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com
on Sep 22nd, 2009
@ 8:59 AM:
@ridonk Maybe that movie seeped into my consciousness.
But I have to give total credit to losangelesdaze for first bringing it up on a tweet…
FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com
on Sep 22nd, 2009
@ 9:00 AM:
@me in the millions — I should split myself in 50 pieces so I can go to all the cities where y’all live
FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com
on Sep 22nd, 2009
@ 9:00 AM:
@Rae An intelligent cat might be considered human interaction, but cats don’t speak our human language
neo's number
on Sep 22nd, 2009
@ 11:54 AM:
@ Lisa Joy – I totally know what you mean about having friends that are the gf or wives of your DF or DH – it doesn’t always work and then what happens if the couple breaks up – where does your loyalty lie?
I recently met this really nice guy at a work function, we totally clicked on a conversational level and now I am trying to work out how to be friends with him, without giving the impression that I am coming on to him!
FB – all working well in goggle reader now!
Erin
on Sep 22nd, 2009
@ 5:27 PM:
I am in this same situation. I have great girlfriends, but the problem is that life has taken them all over.
One thing that has worked out really well, is when my friend (who’d moved to NC) had a NC friend move to St. Louis she connected us via an e-mail introduction and then with a little bit of courage I reached out and we met for lunch. Turned out that we get along great and I have a new friend. It’s great for the person moving to the new city to have some potential friends lined up, but great for the people that have lived here for a while to get new friends too.
Are their connections we could make for our girlfriends to others we know (and like) in the same city?
Erin ´s last blog ..Yoga on Youtube
FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com
on Sep 22nd, 2009
@ 7:45 PM:
Possibly! Except the one connection I could have had, moved back to Toronto last year *sigh*
Anna
on Sep 22nd, 2009
@ 8:44 PM:
I moved to NYC (Brooklyn) about 6 years ago and knew absolutely no one. I was surrounded by millions of people, but so lonely. I met one friend (we are still friends) by volunteering at a local neighborhood charity. And then….I’m going to sound like an alcoholic…I met a group of friends at a local bar. I’ve been friends with some of these people going on 4 years now and have traveled out of the country with them, hosted Thanksgivings for them, etc. I used to go to a trivia night at my local bar once a week and slowly started getting to know a few other trivia regulars. Before you knew it, we were drinking buddies, but one of the girls and I really connected on our educational backgrounds and started doing stuff during daylight hours. She invited me to do things with her and her group of friends regularly, and before I knew it, I had some friends.
Maybe I live in a neighborhood with more young people around, but I also met a friend just seeing the same person out and about the area. THere was this girl who I swear I saw every day waiting for the subway. One day we were both in this local dress shop and started chatting – we both totally recognized that we kept seeing each other around. We exchanged digits and are still friends today.
Not sure if this helps at all, but perhaps you should just engage with people in your area. For example, I try not to walk around with an ipod on, since I think it creates a conversation barrier. Also, regarding trivia night, the bar can be cheap…trivia night = free, buy 1 drink, drink water for the rest of the night.
Tales From the Friend-ing Jungle: She’s Just Not That Into Me | Well-Heeled, with a mission
on Sep 22nd, 2009
@ 11:05 PM:
[...] difficulty of making friends after college / graduate school has been a popular one recently. Like FB said, making new friends is hard. Most of my friends are from college, a few are from high school, and a [...]
Foxie
on Sep 23rd, 2009
@ 12:46 AM:
OMG, I’m not alone in the world!!!!!!!!!
Oh, wait… None of you live close enough to be IRL friends.
Dammit.
I could so use some girlfriends too. Sadly, some of the girls I’ve found that I wanna meet up with (and were willing to do lunch, shocking ha) don’t live anywhere near me. I need to get to Chicago already…. Sigh. :/ At least I have my hubby, otherwise I don’t think I’d be social at all without school or work. o_o;;
Foxie´s last blog ..Serious cars don’t have to cost serious money. Seriously.
FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com
on Sep 23rd, 2009
@ 8:31 AM:
@Anna thanks for the tips. I did meet girls randomly like that, but my area doesn’t really have girls my age… they’re all young families.
I’d have to go downtown all the time and create a downtown routine to find those girls. Or stalk them on campuses
suzie
on Sep 23rd, 2009
@ 9:57 AM:
heya i know what you mean especially since i’ve only just moved from the city to a relatively big country town- a country town nonetheless. it’s quite hard for me to make friends especially when you’re a single asian female… everyone either has kids or coupled up and the other people who are single… not that great a choice! well good luck with your friend finding! i’m glad i can make the trip back to the city to see my friends.
Katherine
on Sep 23rd, 2009
@ 8:06 PM:
This hit so close to home it’s ridiculous. I moved earlier this year half way around the country to an area where I knew absolutely no one. And you’re right it’s so hard to meet people. Everyone already has their own little groups and routines that it seems like things will never feel right. I’ve spent so many nights alone wondering why in world did I do this to myself. If I was back home I could be doing this or doing that and not here.
Even at work it’s difficult since my career is 95% male and those guys are either old enough to be your dad or are in a completly different point in their life. I think that’s the big thing. You meet people and they’re great but it just doesn’t seem to work out since they’re not at the same place as you. Even the few girls who I work with they are all nice but like you said unless you have kids they think you can’t relate and since they don’t want to talk about anything other than what they’re kids did or didn’t do you really don’t have anything to talk to them about.
There are a few people who realize what you’re going through and want to be nice and they extend themselves but that only goes so far. I find myself not wanting to intrude upon them and make a pest out of myself. So I hang back.
So the big question then becomes will this get any easier? Will it ever get to the point where this feels like home and you won’t wish to move back? Maybe… I’m still waiting for that to happen. And while things have gotten easier I’m still at home wondering what to do. I tried throwing myself into my work but then you wonder how you’ll ever find friends if you always spend your time at work. Although, I’ve gotten pretty good at my job. *oh well* I guess only time will tell. In the meantime I’m counting down the days until I go home.
FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com
on Sep 24th, 2009
@ 7:24 AM:
@Katherine You should really try Meetup.com. There seems to be a good set of groups there for similar interests at least.
Thanks for writing in. I can really relate..
Christina
on Sep 26th, 2009
@ 9:04 PM:
Gosh! I just came upon this blog by accident and found that this entry resonated so much with my present lifestyle that it was undeniably freaky. I am working in a research position for a year or 2 in Pittsburgh before graduate school. I am around plenty of graduate students and post-docs, but never fully integrated into their social circles. I like a lot of the people, but I feel like something is between myself and them from becoming really close. I’m also living with a Pitt grad student from a different dept and have been to a few parties with her and her friends, but I often find myself alone on the weekends. I’m joining a small bible study with young adults in a few days, in addition to starting to attend some meetup groups. I realize that I need patience, but even as I have tried to call people, facebook message, and email people I know, it has not seemed to help. I worry about doing personals on craigslist cuz they could be spotty and I do not know how safe it can be. Has anyone had similar issues or feel like there are brick walls between them and meeting people that “click”?
FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com
on Sep 27th, 2009
@ 9:44 AM:
@Christina — Meetup seems to be the most legit out of all. Ginger had some luck with Craigslist, but it isn’t quite the same as trying to find a common interest with each other.
Dee
on Sep 27th, 2009
@ 3:25 PM:
I am so late to this post, but just wanted to say thanks for writing it, FB!
Are we too old for friends?
on Sep 28th, 2009
@ 9:25 AM:
[...] last couple of weeks there has been a hot topic floating around the blog-o-sphere. I blame Fabulously Broke, she started it. And then Krystal and Rina chimed in, and even Ginger gave her two [...]
stephenie
on Oct 28th, 2009
@ 8:24 PM:
Someone should organize Speed Dating for friends!
FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com
on Oct 29th, 2009
@ 8:12 AM:
@stephenie: LOL! 10 minute rounds.
@27andfrugal
on Jan 3rd, 2010
@ 3:08 AM:
I have actually made some very good friends by using the "Platonic Personals" section of Craig's List. I thought it was really weird at first but making a personal ad for a friend makes sense. And I have met some really good friends and a running buddy through it. So I wouldn't just write it off.
Finding Frugal Friends | Finance Blog
on Jan 6th, 2010
@ 5:06 AM:
[...] With that said, my lifestyle mostly entails career, fitness, outdoor activities, this blog, and frugal living. I simply haven’t met people who are similar in interests and have a frugal mentality. It’s been a tad frustrating and I’m sure Fabulously Broke can relate. [...]
Michael
on Jan 8th, 2010
@ 2:31 AM:
This appears to be an old post, but I'd like to respond. #1, will you be my friend:-)
I'm an older guy, happily married. I golf with the same guys every week. While we enjoy each other's company on the golf course, we rarely socialize off it. And reading your post made me think of something.
I always think that I have to have friends that are my age and my gender. Wouldn't it be great to have a friend that is younger and the other sex? And to be really friends. That would be fantastic.
I've been going to the same gym for 8 years on a regular basis and 95% of the time I don't say one word to anyone the whole time. Go, do my work out, then go about my business.
I really would like to connect and have more friends. I find I start conversations, just to converse. It's kind of odd too. People act as though they're put off by having to actually converse with you, but when I think about it, they probably want to talk to someone new as much as I do. It's just that they're not prepared.
So be my friend, and I'll be yours:-)
Lisa
on Mar 1st, 2010
@ 4:42 PM:
I can sympathize with some of you, I am in a similar situation. I am non-traditional 40 year old (partnered) & never wanted kids nor did I want to live in the suburbs. I live in a fairly traditional city where most women my age are in a totally different stage which I will never be in. I get along with younger people as they are much more open minded and also open to meeting new people but at the same time I would love to have friends who are a bit older. Apart from one friend (who lives 90mins away), the rest have moved away and the only way I can see them is if I hop on a plane. I get along better with men (they seem to be less afraid of me! LOL) but that being said, most of them are attached and for some reason women are threatened when men have female friends. I suppose I never understood society. Still working on finding some new people, I will try to take in some free events this week. *crossing fingers*. I wonder, do people use the internet often for friendships?? I never have but it's starting to look like a possible option.