There is a tendency among shoppers to justify buying really high priced items like a $300 pair of shoes when a pair of Manolo Blahniks cost $700 or more. It’s as though you’re getting shoes for half the price, when in reality, you’re still spending $300.
But do you ever get a weird feeling when you hear about your friends dropping hundreds or even thousands of dollars on a purse or a pair of shoes, as if you’re being too frugal or dare I say, cheap, for thinking a hundred bucks as being quite expensive for a purse or a pair of shoes?
When I heard my friend say that she bought a Chloe Paddington, I did get twinge of “Wow, she earns as much as me, but she treats herself to a $2k bag, why can’t I do the same?”… Then I start thinking about how I’ve been working so hard to get rid of my debt, and I get into the mindset that I deserve more and better because I worked harder than she does at getting rid of student debt.
It’s a vicious cycle to fall into, because then you splurge on clothing and items, then you feel guilty and go all ascetic and monk-like, then you binge again. It’s like a rollercoaster of emotions, it’s never a steady even keel. I know because I’ve been there and done that.
Or when you hear about your friends urging you to come out and spend the night with them drinking and eating at a posh new restaurant, you feel a twinge of feeling like you’re left out of the loop now, because you can’t justify in your budget, spending $200 on a single night. That’s a third of your rent! But when you see the pictures on Facebook and hear about how much fun your girls had that night…without you….you feel guilty for abandoning your friends, and you feel like you’re being punished for wanting to clear your debt first.
I guess the solution would be to get new friends (I do have 2 frugal friends but one is a student in Dentistry, so she is totally in my mindset for now), but I love my friends. Even if I don’t see them often (living in two cities is difficult and working in a third is difficult).
But just looking at the life they have, it makes me wonder what their financial situation is like. Do they have money to make it through to the end of the month, spending the way they do? Do they realize that adding $2k or even $200 on to a debt that is $30k or more isn’t really helping the situation considering that it’s actually spending half of your monthly required payment of $400?
It’s bittersweet, really. But I’d rather be tasting the bitterness now while I can stomach it, being as young as I am, than to taste it later in my 50s, when I’m struggling to make ends meet.
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- Set boundaries, not rules
- Name this purse (Purse porn)
- December 2007 Update on Finances
- Getting out of Debt = A Rollercoaster of Emotions
- Interview: Krystal from Give me back my five bucks!
Frugal Trenches
on Jul 6th, 2008
@ 6:12 AM:
I can very much relate: my friends fall into 2 categories @ the moment, 1: single spenders – one friend has £40K = $80K debt yet before her first paycheck had taken on a new sportscar, pretty much hinted she wanted to borrow money from me so her parents wouldn’t know she spends more than the £500 = $1000 a month she gets in allowance!!! Others aren’t that extreme
OR
married, 2 good incomes coming in with no kids = very nice lifestyle.I look at couples and think “how can you be in debt”when you earn double what I do….the reality is anyone can be in debt, people go on and on about how cheap things are, well lots of cheap stuff adds up to not cheap spending!
I had a good laugh @ myself last night, I was sitting reading a book watching a period drama and drinking a cup of tea. Much better than spending £20 = $40 on a night out with friends @this point.
Like Dave Ramsay says
“live like no one else now, so that you can live like no one else”
Fabulously Broke
on Jul 6th, 2008
@ 7:52 AM:
Frugal: Wow… she wants to borrow cash so her parents don’t find out? I hope you won’t enable her!!!
Great point: cheap things + a lot = not very cheap in the end
I’d rather read and drink tea too
Or just chill w/ BF and blog
suzie wuzie
on Jul 6th, 2008
@ 8:04 AM:
i know about that vicious cycle and it’s always tempting to keep up with your friends or the jones’s. i think you have to acknowledge that you have a problem and it starts with you to solve it!
Sharon Rose
on Jul 6th, 2008
@ 8:23 AM:
Hi there-well done for realising you are taking the better option. Sure, a night out is brill but to be honest next week it will be yesterdays news until the next time! You are definitely on the right road-don’t waver! If you really want to see friends, then if its feasible where you live you could host a small dinner party and have something like pasta as main course and a homemade dessert-a reasonably cheap night in too and you see your friends!!
Sharon Rose
on Jul 6th, 2008
@ 8:25 AM:
PS-As its summer, you could do a SATC picnic in the park and all bring sandwiches and music for a sweet afternoon together!!
Fabulously Broke
on Jul 6th, 2008
@ 10:17 AM:
suzie wuzie: Agreed..
Sharon Rose: Oh, I’m not in that mindset any more, but I know that I’ve been there and done that. I did a potluck SATC a while back which helps save on costs, but sometimes I still feel odd
Rina the Mama Bear
on Jul 6th, 2008
@ 1:13 PM:
I’m always curious as to what my friends financial situation is like, especially when I watch them buying expensive car parts and going home early from their jobs…how do they do it?
I’d rather be frugal now so I can relax later in life, or even perhaps retire early!
DogAteMyFinances
on Jul 6th, 2008
@ 2:19 PM:
Oh, do I ever relate to this post!!! I have some seriously big-spender girlfriends. Some have some family money, and some just don’t care about the student loan monkey on their back.
This one is really hard for me because it’s hard when all your friends have such nice things. I practically cleaned out the Cole Haan outlet when I was there, which was one of my best decisions ever. Oh, and I just borrow the nice shoes!
GG @ This Writer's Wallet
on Jul 6th, 2008
@ 4:25 PM:
Yeah, I get this. But it’s just like Dave Ramsey says: Live like nobody else now, and you can live like nobody else later!
Foxie
on Jul 6th, 2008
@ 8:08 PM:
Ugh, tell me about it! I’m sick of the whole bag envy thing I get… It’s pathetic, really. (But, if I get one, I’m getting it because I like it. Not to impress anyone. My car does the talking for me when it comes to that.) I’d die before I spent $2k on one, though. That’s nearly my entire sport bike, which I’d definitely rather have.
Sometimes I tend to feel way too guilty for buying myself the occasional treat. In fact, when asked about the $300 bag dilemma, my husband actually didn’t see a problem with it. It would have been so much easier if he just told me I’d be crazy to do it, instead, he supports it if it’s what I want…
Frugal Urbanite
on Jul 6th, 2008
@ 8:54 PM:
Sometimes I’m happy I’m such a scrub all the time because I have no excuse for buying a $2k purse that I’ll never take anywhere.
On the other hand, I get SUCH gadget envy and I always try to justify it by saying a new gizmo will help me with the business.
Bayjb
on Jul 6th, 2008
@ 9:58 PM:
I don’t get feelings of inadequacy because I know my friends choose to spend money on different things. For example, I spend money on purses and sometimes shoes but others spend it on electronics or food. I do get jealous when others get a bonus or raise though. That I can’t help. Even though I spend money on handbags and occasionally shoes, I have a range of what I’m comfortable with paying and try not to extend that for my own sanity. I’ll start gasping for air.
Rae
on Jul 7th, 2008
@ 12:57 AM:
We’re not in University yet, but I can’t even begin to imagine how much debt some of my friends will accumulate.
Unlike almost everyone I know, I’m frugal in the way you are, most of the time – I set limits for myself on how much I’m willing to spend on things, and I don’t exceed it. And I definitely get where you’re coming from on all this; most of my friends have loaded parents and money’s like water in their hands.
But people like us will be better off in the end. They’ll hit their forties and realize that they can’t afford to buy their own house because they still have a ton of University debt, and we’ll be finishing paying off our comfortable homes.
(And so the frugal will inherit the world!)
Anonymous
on Jul 7th, 2008
@ 9:57 AM:
I can completely relate to how you feel. I am where you used to be (in college, working my way through at 35 hours a week while trying to get into Pharmacy school) and I can’t help but feel so inadequate most of the time. Maybe it’s just the friends I have, but they’ve never had to work a day of their life and mom and dad take care of their rent. A night out for me is renting a movie and making popcorn or some other kind of snack.
I share your feelings on the situation quite frequently, and I can’t help but HOPE that one day I will be more well off for it. But it’s hard to keep that thought in sight sometimes.
Revanche
on Jul 7th, 2008
@ 1:17 PM:
Hate to say it, but I try to limit my outings with the big spender girlfriends. I love them, but my budget definitely can’t bear what they can. It’s mostly aggravating to have to keep reminding the closest one that I have *no* spending money, and that I’m not kidding when I say that there’s no DI, so I can’t just hop in the car and go for a 400 mile RT road trip.
LivingAlmostLarge
on Jul 7th, 2008
@ 1:59 PM:
I can totally relate. Except that many of my friends can afford it. They have VERY well paying jobs, we’re talking $100k+, very few student loans (parents paid), and often they don’t own but rent, or if they own, their parents gave them the Down Payment.
There is no way to compete. You can’t keep up with the lifestyle no matter what because you can’t catch up.
I’ve had to accept it. Our roommate earns $36k/year but his parents give him A LOT of money. He will get a DP and wedding paid for and he knows it. So his lifestyle can be more luxurious.
But that’s all you can do. Is accept what you can’t change.
Trust me I regret sometimes when I say no to going out with people. Well DH and I had to scrimp and save our DP and our student loans. There isn’t extra if we had it paid for. We make as much as them, but we had to pay for a lot more.
If we didn’t I know we’d have more disposable income. Truth of the fact they can afford it because they make GREAT incomes.
Ugh….the green eye devil of jealousy.
paranoidasteroid
on Jul 7th, 2008
@ 2:04 PM:
I have this problem quite often, actually. The girls I work with tend to buy expensive clothes. One recently bought an $800 work bag, and she doesn’t even use it because it’s too big to fit in her drawer at work! She also bought 2 pairs of $200 jeans. Another girl shops exclusively at Anthropologie. She looks like she’s from a fairy tale.
Sometimes I wonder why I put such a premium on savings. Certainly I can afford to buy the same things, but I imagine that I’d feel a lot of guilt doing so. It’s frustrating!
Elle
on Jul 7th, 2008
@ 2:42 PM:
Interesting post, FB!!! I noticed that a lot of Personal Finance bloggers tend to criticize their less frugal peers, especially when they chose to spend their money on clothes or accessories. Everyone lives their lives differently. Some chose to enjoy now and pay the price later; others, like, you, are admirably saving their pennies now to ensure stability and comfort later on in life. If you are really their friends, don’t ditch them for the difference in lifestyle. And if they’re really your friends, they won’t look down on you for living your life the way you do, either.
I believe in balance. I save my pennies and conserve in some areas, too, but I do treat myself to good food, wine, and some designer items. You never know what’s going to happen, and I try to live for today.
Anonymous
on Jul 8th, 2008
@ 1:23 PM:
Think of it this way: a Chloe bag might offer temporary satisfaction, but living a debt-free life offers a permanent solution to many life stresses. You have freedom from debt, and for your friend, that’s a huge burden.
I remain, respectfully,
Anonymous
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on Aug 2nd, 2008
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