It seems to me that there’s a lot of blaming going around about parents spoiling their kids (and doing a bang up, fantastically awful job of it) as being the reason why kids later on are so ‘screwed up’ in terms of not being able to launch and be individuals who contribute to society.
But you know what? I’m not sure I totally believe that it’s 100% all the parents’ fault, because it’s a bit of nature vs nurture discussion, and I’d like to think that while nature influences a lot of what will happen to you in the future, your nature ultimately takes over to make those choices in the end.
The reason why I bring this up is because I watched an episode on Slice.ca where this 36-year old single mother with a 12-year old daughter was on the show for being about $50,000 in debt (all consumer, no education).
Her parents kept enabling her throughout her childhood and her adult life, estimating that they gave her about $20,000 in gifts for a single year (and trust me, they ain’t rich!). They basically helped her all her life, then kind of set her free, but I guess she was a bit of a lost lamb, not having any proper direction from her parents throughout her life.
Here’s what I found interesting: Gail pretty much said: You [parents] SPOILED HER!, as the reason she turned out the way she did.
To me, it can’t all be blamed on the parents. It’s a really facetious example, but it’s like saying MY GOD those credit cards forced me to spend the entire limit and that’s why I’m in debt!! Uh no. The credit cards were there, but they didn’t force you to do anything.
It’s a bad example, but you get my point.
See, thinking back to my own childhood, I wasn’t taught any of that stuff about personal finance either. I wasn’t exactly spoiled with $20,000 but it was partly my parents influence in the sense that I didn’t want to end up like them, but a lot of it had to do with my own internal push to become more in control and efficient with my life once I was in the real world, like a lost lamb.
The reason why I say this is because I have a comparison. My sibling grew up in the same roof as I, and we were treated the same way, but when push came to shove and my parents said they wouldn’t front any cash for my tuition after promising for years they would, I moved out.
My brother stayed at home.
And we turned out very differently.
I wasn’t exactly THROWN out into the real world (and neither was that woman), but it was kind of my own choice to leave, whereas my brother made the choice to stay after hearing my parents’ decision.
The point I’m trying to make is, while nurture has a lot to do with it, I think nature cannot be excluded from the equation either.
I wonder what the situation would’ve been like, had that girl had a different personality, drive and ambition. Would she be in that same position, kind of not knowing why she turned out that way, and indirectly blaming nurture? Or if the situation turned out for the best and she ended up being extremely financial responsible, if she would’ve credited that to NATURE rather than nurture, considering the environment she grew up in?
There’s no denying that the experience on “Til Debt Do Us Part” will really change that woman’s life, and her daughter’s as well, but I’m not so sure that we can blame everything on nurture.
I like to think it’s a combination of both, but ultimately it boils down to nature. Nurture can certainly influence, but in the case of my brother and I, we grew up in the same household, under the same rules and with the same parents, and we ended up very different from one another in the end.
What do you think? I’d love to hear stories and your thoughts!
- Credit Card Comparisons
- Money in Marriages
- I met Mr. Jones…
- Financial Snapshot: Psych Undergrad works towards a Master’s
- An odd middle-class existence
Auburn Kat
on Apr 25th, 2008
@ 11:32 AM:
This is a really good topic! I think that you can only blame your parents for it to a certain extent. When you are grown up blaming your parents is just an excuse for that person not wanting to change and do the right thing!
Nonamanuensis
on Apr 25th, 2008
@ 11:40 AM:
I agree with the first comment. It can be helpful to figure out *why* a person repeats certain bad habits (it’s all they’ve known!) but once they identify the bad habits, and once they’re an adult, it’s *their* job to fix them, not make excuses.
My parents left my senior year of high school and I got lucky with college scholarships so I didn’t have to go into debt, but my financial literacy is my own doing and I’m proud of it. I don’t think my parents even had a savings account. I don’t think anyone can blame their parents for long.
Fabulously Broke
on Apr 25th, 2008
@ 1:10 PM:
Auburn: Yes, and once you’re out of the house and/or old enough to realize you’re spending in denial and have a real problem, the drive is in people to do something and change .. fight or flight kind of thing
Nona: I LOVE your blog btw!
Congrats on $40k net worth at 25.. *ogle*.. I can’t wait to have that in later years – I totally got screwed on debt.
I got scholarships too but my tuition was just too high…
And I agree with you – my financial literacy is all learned on my own, without anyone’s help. Literally. Except for blogs that I love reading (adding you btw)..
Ms. MiniDucky
on Apr 25th, 2008
@ 2:50 PM:
You know I think about this a LOT. Most often when I’m screaming in my head, “Stop enabling him!!” ;P
It’s really hard to tell where nature starts and nurture picks up, or vice versa, but I have the feeling that most of my brother’s problems are nature. He wasn’t outright spoiled, other than being sent to private school, he was just willfully selfish and materialistic from the start.
Fabulously Broke
on Apr 25th, 2008
@ 6:18 PM:
Ms. Miniducky: for me, it was my brother is just naturally a penny pincher but is pound foolish. He pinches every $1 on coffee for example but then blows $100 on a stupid miniature statue, and/or won’t quit his job when he knew it was going nowhere until we pushed him
i totally think it’s nature.. you can try all you want but sometimes they just turn out that way
Meg from The Bargain Queens & All About Appearances
on Apr 25th, 2008
@ 8:02 PM:
Some of it’s parenting just like any environmental factor, but based on what I’ve read of the research, it looks like what our parents contribute most behavior-wise is the genetics that sets in place certain traits that determine how we react to environmental factors. (FYI, there’s a good piece on it in the book Freakonomics.) Whether that lets them off the hook or places the blame more strongly on them, I can’t say.
I’m not saying that choice is an illusion (who knows?!) and I’m definitely not saying that parents can do whatever they want and expect the same results. However, I think that it’s important to examine the major traits of our personalities and see how they can be both beneficial and our worst enemies.
I, for one, am either stubborn or determined depending on the way one looks at it and the situation. I can also be detail-oriented or too much of a perfectionist. I get those traits from my mom.
From my dad, I get the ability to talk someone’s head off — which can be good or bad depending on what I’m saying and to whom.
Fabulously Broke
on Apr 26th, 2008
@ 6:43 PM:
Good point meg!!
I guess I’m pretty headstrong myself..