david: You know, that’s interesting. Having an emotional affair to jog what’s been missing with your own spouse… that makes a lot of sense to me when you explain the situation, but in a way, in my case, I’d feel a tad betrayed if my bf did that… but not so horribly so that I’d become a green-eyed monster. But I would feel weird.

Joel: I definitely agree with that. I think it’s a bit more black and white for me than for david for example, but I do see his point (and how it’d make sense).

Andrea: But what if it’s things that SHOULD be told to your bf and not to your good guy friend? Stuff that your bf would like to know about but you just didn’t tell him..?

But I do agree with your point about having another perspective with an opposite sex. But in that case, I have guy friends for that, but I don’t necessarily hang out with them or talk to them constantly on the phone. It’s just once in a while, they give me their opinion when I ask and vice versa. but I don’t tell them deep dark secrets or things that my bf should know.

Living: I would too. To be honest, the cuddling, holding hands and anything touchy-feely that (to me) is quite intimate, is a real violation. Maybe more so than just pure animal sex. Sex = Lust/Passion, but holding hands and cuddling is when you actually really care and love the person, and don’t just want to have sex with them, but want a more meaningful, intimate relationship…

I couldn’t handle my bf doing that with a good girl friend and vice versa.. it’s too personal and intimate.

Wow, everyone’s comments are great!! I’m loving this post.

And most guys/girls I’ve asked, they say they can be friends of the opposite sex when single. Then once they are in a deep relationship or married they say not.

Usually because when you are such “close” friends they end up “Sleeping over at the person’s house, and would your SO be happy if you slept over with another guy?” My DH would be unhappy. But so would I. Or getting very touchy and feely.

I think boundaries end up limiting people’s friendships. You don’t go and sleep over at a guy friend’s house if you are out drinking. BUT drinking all night with a bunch of girlfriends? You don’t notice as much if your girlfriend holds her best GF hand but if she’s constantly holding hands with her best guy friend?

I don’t know would it weird you out? Maybe an open relationship, but if my DH held his best GF hand all the time, rub her neck like he does mine, even if they are friends I think I might be weirded out.

I’d definitely feel more betrayed if my boyfriend was emotionally cheating on me with another woman by telling her things he’s never told me than if he told me he kissed someone out of lust at a party and totally regrets it.

1. I agree with anonymous. A friend – whether male or female – offers advice from a different perspective. People have different biases. One person can’t satisfy every emotional need that one might have.

I have married friends (also single friends, friends in relationships) who agree with this assessment. One friend once told his wife that there are some things that she should be discussing with her friends rather than with him.

I share anon’s definition of emotional cheating.

Furthermore, it’s important for opposite-sex friends and significant others to get along, and to trust that boundaries will not be crossed. SOs need to feel and understand that friends aren’t a threat to the relationship, that these friendships are perfectly innocuous. Helpful, even. An opposite sex friend will tell you when you’re being reasonable and unreasonable and will help a relationship partner understand the opposite sex. It’s great perspective.

2. I could also forgive a physical affair more easily than an emotional one, by my definition of “emotional” cheating. As you say, physical affairs are pretty cut and dry. It’s one thing to impulsively fulfill a need, but thinking about how it would affect one’s SO and then doing it anyway, if you know that the other would be hurt by it, is worse. The exception here is if it’s a physically open relationship, in which both partners have agreed that it’s permissible to engage is sexual activities with other people purely for the physical gratification. In this case it’s not “cheating” unless they begin cheating emotional. Some people will say that it’s a slippery slope, but I know one couple this works for.

Are you kidding?

Betrayal of trust is betrayal of trust.

IMO, my significant other is my team mate. It’s me and her vs. the world. And to cheat on her (physically or emotionally, short-term or long-term) is to betray the trust that is foundational to our partnership.

Certainly, I can have female friends. And I can trust them with personal conversations. But when I sense things are heading into shady territory, it’s time to GTFO, and if necessary, re-evaluate.

Where are these feelings coming from? What are my feelings for my partner? Have things changed? Have I changed? Am I lacking something in my relationship, and is this important enough to end it?

And if it’s really time to quit the team, that decision requires careful consideration AWAY from the obvious temptations. If you’re censoring yourself from your partner, but baring all to another attractive individual – you’ve got some decisions to make, for the sake of all three of you.

No fooling around. No secrets.

I don’t believe that a single person can satisfy every emotional need that one might have. A person might be able to fulfill most of them, but not all. This is part of the reason why a lot of people participate heavily in forums or blogs online. Sometimes it is easier to discuss private things with strangers as opposed to say, your husband. Simply put, you face different judgment and don’t have to worry about seeing them afterwards.

However, I do understand where you are coming from to a certain extent. It is oftentimes these other outlets we seek where emotional affairs eventually develop. I define an emotional affair as one where you have some sort of romantic feelings for someone other than your significant other.

But yet, I don’t think that an emotional affair is necessarily worse than a physical one. They are both equally painful. I think the difference in hurtfulness varies more by how long the affair lasted. Hence, I suppose you would be right in saying that the emotional affair is more painful, because that usually lasts longer than a physical one. (An emotional, two-year, e-mail affair versus a one-night stand.)

I have had an emotional affair while married to my wife (we’ve been married 3 years but have been together for 10 years). The affair began about a year ago, was never physical, and ended almost a year ago.

I do not feel guilty. My wife knew about the other person and was aware of my attraction but she never knew the full extent of my feelings. …if you want to talk about soul mates, I think I found mine in the other person.

So why don’t I feel guilty?

Falling for this other person actually ignited a passion in me that had slowly faded over the years. While falling in love with this other person, I found myself falling in love with my wife all over again. It was a wakeup call to express my love.

Had the affair become physical I know the guilt would be overwhelming and not something I could keep from my wife.

The affair ended. And while I still keep in contact, I purposely keep a distance because I know my wife is where my heart should be, not with someone else.

One might classify it as an emotional affair, in that he was filling part of the boyfriend spot in my life. And I was doing some of the same for him. But while I had a little attraction to him, it was never enough to make me want to leave Micah or to make me not want him to get the girl he wanted. Fortunately, things worked out well…we were talking recently about this being a rare happy ending (or beginning). I don’t think we could have ever actually been in a relationship, but we were good for each other then.