Another great post I found on GlobeAndMail.com called “It’s time for your wife to loosen the purse strings“.
The situation
A reader writes: I am in my early 40s and have been married for 10 years. We have two kids. During the past couple of years, my wife, who is a professional, has earned a substantial income. Prior to that I supported her through some lean times while she was in school. Now I’d appreciate some regular financial support to manage the household, but whenever I ask she says: “You are the man of the house, you deal with it.”
This was fine in the beginning, but I’ve begun to feel hurt and resentful. I can manage the expenses on my own but I struggle to do it on a single salary while she fills her bank account to record highs. If she does spend occasionally on extras, such as a family trip, I never hear the end of it. But how about helping with the kids’ daycare or the mortgage payment? What can I do? It bugs me to no end. Should we see a counsellor?
FB’s first reaction: DAMN! 
Other posters’ reactions:
There are two major reasons behind relationship breakdowns: infidelity and financial hardship. The current arrangement is not consistent with people who have merged their lives. You are either married or you are not. If you are married, then all assets and income are shared equally. Keeping a separate bank account is suspicious behaviour and can be an indication of maintaining a separate identity or, possibly, a separate relationship. Either way, it is problematic in a true partnership.
FB: Not sure I agree with the idea that separate bank accounts are indicative of suspicious behaviour, but moving along..
Each of you should contribute an equal amount to a joint bank account every payday, from which all household bills are paid. The amount may be adjusted to reflect any disparity in your earnings, if you both agree. Any leftover money belongs to each partner to do with as he or she wishes.
FB: Agreed, unless one spouse just isn’t working at all. Which should never be the case unless they’re sick.
She is operating like a soloist. Is she buying haute couture? Exotic dictionaries? Personalized luggage? Is she plotting her escape with a destitute poet? While she fans herself with fifties, you struggle to carry this whole house of cards on your back.
The best partnership extends beyond the great flutter of love and into the realm of the practical. Can you pitch a tent together in a rainstorm? Right now, your wife is idling in her luxury sedan while you, soaked to the bone, furiously batten down the hatches. You are not just the man of the house. You are the house, itself. And your wife, in the most essential ways, has already left.
FB: Wow. Filled to the brim with imagery, succint, but en pointe, nonetheless.
Read the entire article here.
FB’s take on the whole deal
I agree with the general gist of the comments above.
The wife sounds like she has a strange, patriarchal-feminist perspective on things, telling him to “take care of it, you’re the man!”. While I think she’s in the wrong, I have to wonder what the other side of the story is – how much does HE earn? Would it make a difference to you if he earned double what she did?
I’m not condoning or trying to justify her actions, but I find that most stories that are one-sided, get painted in a certain (unflattering) light, when the story has much more complexity than that.
The point is: Marriage (and common-law marriages! 
) are a partnerships. You’re in it together, sink or swim. If one sinks, the other sinks with him/her, and the entire boat (relationship, kids, family life) is capsized as a result.
That includes finances and I can see how he feels used and taken advantage of, but I have to agree – why did it take 10 years for him to realize this? Denial? I think therapy will bring out the root cause of her behaviour – maybe her father earned all the money in the family and constantly rubbed it in her mother’s face saying that since he was the man he’d have to always bring home the bacon. Then maybe he ran off with the proverbial hot young secretary/assistant and left her mother and her family alone with no money whatsoever to support themselves. So in her mind, the wife might feel that if she doesn’t have a large emergency fund of cash to support herself and her kids when (not if), her husband runs of (she only has her father as an example of what men do to their wives, remember), then she doesn’t feel secure or comfortable.
Or, maybe her mother just brought her up to believe that women aren’t supposed to handle money (so, SO far from the truth!), and that the man should always take care of her. Period.
People’s attitudes towards finances are (I think), rooted partially in the past. My slowly turning over a new financial leaf is because my parents were irresponsible when I was growing up and I’m trying to change my badly learned habits.
So, what’s your take on the whole situation?
