I can look back, with 100% certainty and tell you that every single time a guy didn’t pay for me on the first date, be it going Dutch (paying for your own meal), or asked me to foot the bill, he definitely did NOT get a second date from me.
There were a few factors at play here however, it was partly because I was a poor University student, and partly because I’m not a militant feminist. That’s not to say that I like inequality between men and women, because I don’t like it when women are treated differently in the workplace. However, I do own up to the fact that I’m a hypocrite for saying I would prefer equality between men and women, yet I expect the guy to foot the bill for (at least!!) the first date.
By the way, I haven’t been the one to ask guys out – but if I did, I may pay for the first date, I’m not so sure what I’d do, the rules are a bit fuzzy. But in all of my previous dating experience the guy always paid for me.
I think it all stems back to the idea of the man being gentleman-ly and partly due to Evolution (the whole bit that if the guy paid for your shelter and food, it meant he cared, yada yada). And if he pays, it’s certainly in the forefront of your mind that it is not NECESSARY that he does (since I do have my own money of course), but it’s a nice gesture and it clearly shows his interest in us becoming a romantic item instead of platonic.
See the difference is if I went out with a guy friend, I’d pay for my own meal, no questions asked (although sometimes my good guy friends pay for me, and I reciprocate with paying for their meals in our next lunching out).
Now the key phrase to take away in what I stated above is: guy FRIENDS let girls pay. So it stands to reason that if you’re interested in her… you fork over the cash for at least the first date, and go on a second one and let her pay, or offer to pay, whatever you want to do. And if you can’t afford it, a cheap Pad Thai dinner or hotdog stand with unlimited $3 Polish sausages satiates my hunger as well as a frou-frou high end restaurant where the portions leave me starving and a disappointed. I’m there to assess your personality, sense of humour, and straight up chemistry, not your wallet (although as you get older, you don’t want someone who is financially irresponsible either).
As a side note, women who don’t ever lift a finger to even feebly attempt to take the check, should realize that guys aren’t ATM machines, and a bit of a gesture on your part (at the very least) of willingness to foot the bill if you’re interested in this man, and to voice that you would LIKE to reciprocate paying the bill on your second, third, fourth, Nth dates, is a much better way to go, and means a lot more outings together because now you’re pooling your money with his, to pay to further your future romance.
So readers, what do you think? Does anyone feel the same way I do?
- Asking her out for the first date
- Why don’t you return my calls! (For the guys)
- Paying more than your fair share
- Men & Strippers
- Being too successful can be a bad thing…..?
Meg
on Aug 12th, 2007
@ 12:50 AM:
Also being married, this doesn’t apply so much now, but I’d certainly be hesitant about a second date with a guy that didn’t at least offer to pay (of course, I might off, too, but he better not let me pay the first time around). Further dates could be my treat, but that first date is his time to shine. Sure, it’s a bit of a game, and a lot of it is cultural expectations, but my experience is that most guys know to pay the first date and if they don’t that’s a bad sign.
My husband also paid for pretty much everything. He currently pays the bills since I’ve been in schools through almost all of our relationship and now I’m starting out with part time work. I wouldn’t mind supporting him, though, if our situations allowed. We have different credit cards so that we can buy each other gifts (even though it comes from the same place). And yes, he opens and holds doors for me. He carries heavy stuff, too, though I do like showing off with the groceries for some odd reason.
I’m really lucky to have him. I’m glad to hear that you have such a sweetie as well
Fabulously Broke in the City
on Aug 12th, 2007
@ 12:12 PM:
Our husbands are pretty great
He was walking down the street the other day and burst out laughing. I asked him what was so funny, and he pointed to a couple across the street.
FB’s Husband: “Look babe, he’s carrying his suit jacket over his shoulder and munching on his apple, while his girlfriend/wife/whatever (they kissed), is carrying 4 heavy grocery bags. The LEAST he could do, buddy, is offer to carry at least 2 of the bags for her.”
FB: “I think she’s preggers too. That’d never happen with us, hon.
”
Ms. MiniDucky
on Aug 13th, 2007
@ 9:04 PM:
Yeah, BoyDucky’s right up there with your hubbies. He likes to hold the car door for me and joke that chivalry’s NOT dead whenever he sees someone catching him in the act. But the thing that struck me as funny was that I actually don’t recall dating etiquette anymore!
We’ve been together for nearly three years now so I feel like I’m saving for our future because I’m a saver, and he’s spending on our present because he likes to enjoy life, and it’ll be a wash in the end when I pay for our wedding and maybe our down payment. Sometimes I’ll say it’s MY turn to pay, but he’s been very good about paying for a lot of the fripperies like eating out and the occasional movie.
Fabulously Broke in the City
on Aug 14th, 2007
@ 11:34 AM:
I think if you threw me into a dating situation right now, I’d be up the creek without a paddle…
As for the way he spends in the present, at least you’re the saver!! Mine spends in the present (but also is very critical of expenses and is a pseudo-saver), and I’m starting to be more of a saver than a spender (v. v. hard to change)
After about a year of dating, we got into the point where we just combined expenses…. into joint chequing, then he slowly broke down my financial barrier and skittishness with constantly pestering me about joining our credit cards so it’d make it easier to pay bills.. yada, yada.. lol, now there’s no account that doesn’t have his name on it
He says his secret plan to slowly make himself permanently-retired is now in place.
Hope your wedding goes beautifully
And that it’s stress free 
Ali
on Aug 14th, 2007
@ 11:53 AM:
I’m so glad to see you and I share the same opinion. I wrote something about this too and it sparked a huge debate in our forums.
http://blog.chickadvisor.com/2007/07/check-mate-who-should-pay-for-first.html
I totally agree with everything you said.
Ms. MiniDucky
on Aug 15th, 2007
@ 2:16 PM:
Hahha, secretly permanently-retired. That’s great. What does he do with himself all day, though? After all, there’s no real house-husbandry to do in a hotel!
You know, I really want to run away to get married. No Fuss! I hate being the center of attention, and what’s a wedding with a bride hiding behind things anyway? Bor-ing. (Flashing back to your post about hating public speaking more than Death.)
Fabulously Broke in the City
on Aug 17th, 2007
@ 4:58 PM:
Well, Husband just sits around, futzes around on the computer, sleeps, (now we have a kitchen) so he’s going to buy food together and cook meals for me (*heart*)… And works out, etc…
*shrug* As long as he lifts the heavy suitcases and does the manual labour that I couldn’t on my own, he’s worth triple his weight in gold
Well I think weddings are mostly for the family. It’s sometimes not even for the bride and groom (for us, it was NOT.) I think we would’ve had a happier wedding (since we both agreed in hindsight) if we had eloped to Niagara Falls and got married there. We would’ve had the weekend together, and our honeymoon in one. *sigh*
If only I could do a do-over.
But you and BoyDucky have to agree on it!! (Is he going to be HusbandDucky from now on?)